It is very clear from my absence on here that I’ve been struggling quite a bit to get this whole working mom schtick down. If you are a teacher or you know a teacher, then you know that it’s not a typical 9-5 job. There is always something to do, and if you let yourself, you can always be doing that something. The problem is that I can never shut it off. (Of course, this wasn’t a problem when I was an independent being, rather than a mother. It just made me a good employee.) But now, even if I’m not working, I’m thinking about what I’ll have to do when I start working. I struggle so much with being present and focused on the right now, and as a result, I’m always stressed and anxious. After a few weeks back at work, I noticed that I wasn’t really enjoying my days home alone with Lula like I should. I felt like I was working five days a week instead of three, and that’s not really fair to Lula or even myself, because it was making me a nervous wreck.

In these past five months since I’ve taken on this role, I’ve been struggling to define the type of mom that I want to be. I realized pretty quickly that I couldn’t be a stay at home mom. I enjoy working too much and my job is an integral part of my identity. I used to feel bad, guilty, about that, but I came to terms with the fact that it’s not selfish to be happy. I’m a better mom to Tallulah if I’m happy. And on top of all that, I was raised by a pretty great working mom, and I want to be a role model to Lula in that sense, just like my mom was to me.

Now that I’m working, though, I’m struggling to find the balance between all of the roles I carry in my life. Before I had Lula, I could stay up late working on an IEP or materials for a lesson plan. I answered emails all evening and my thoughts were constantly with my students. It could be that way because my time at home was my time. I could do with it as I pleased. However, now things have shifted, and time working is time taken away from Lula. I found myself getting frustrated that nap time was taking longer than usual to get started or pulling my computer up to tummy time, and that’s not the kind of mother I want to be either. I love working, but my daughter is my top priority. And I need to show that in all of my actions.

So, while my first couple of weeks back at work were focused on catching up and adjusting to the change, the next few were focused on trying to find a balance, so I can make this a viable and successful change. I still do work at home, but I don’t do it when I’m home alone with Lula. I wait until after Joe gets home and we eat dinner together, and then I get a few hours in while he handles bedtime. It means staying up a little later, but it’s worth it for some quality time with my girl. Instead of checking emails or reviewing my to-do list, I’m returning her slobbery grins and cheering her on with each new things she learns.

I’m also working on establishing my boundaries. I’m setting limits on how late I’ll stay at work now and reserving most of the weekend for family time. In order to make this work, I need to be productive and efficient with my work time, so when I’m not working, I’m able to shut my worries out and just enjoy my family. I need to trust myself to get things done in the future and live in the present until the future comes.

Now, I know that a lot of this probably seems like a no-brainer to many moms out there. Enjoy your children, keep things in perspective. Moms are supposed to be born with those abilities. They are skills that I’ve really had to practice and develop, though, and my work is not done. I’m constantly reminding myself to be present, and at times, I worry about it just like I do work. But things are getting better, and I’m definitely happier now than I was a month ago. I’m learning that motherhood is a constantly evolving role. I’m never going to be perfect like I’ve always strived to be with everything else, but if I’m reflective and hard-working, I am usually just enough for my baby girl.